Ennui

Alanis knows

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 01:26:25 GMT

Its funny to me how quickly some people wash their hands completely clean of it all and just move on. April said no one completely throws away all that time, but she was wrong. They do, its easy for those who dont care. Its easy for them, because all they care about is how they feel. Part of why I have trouble with Ayn Rand crap...Do i exist for my own happiness alone??? I dont think so...otherwise I would've thrown myself off a bridge a long time ago; it would be selfish though, wouldnt it? Dont get me wrong, I'm not having suicidal thoughts because of recent events or anything, I'm just saying that lately, I've made some wrong judgements calls when it comes to trusting people. I've been dumb and forgot about one of the top rules of being a girl: Guys will do anything and say anything to get into your pants. Its true. And because its true, its hard to figure out who to trust. I'm lucky to have the friends I do. They've got great perspective on things.

thanksgiving

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 22:52:10 GMT

I know its not Thanksgiving yet, but thank god for my friends. Today I was going to do something stupid...something I swore I wouldnt do again, and then talking to April stopped me. Now that Im no longer feeling the way I was earlier, I can look back and say that had I done it, it would've ruined everything. I so crazy. Work has got me tired and very loopy. Its the first week, so i'm very stressed. It'll take a while to get used to I think. Wish me luck.

The things I hate feeling

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 03:16:11 GMT

Lately its been too much of feeling what I dont like. Usually I use T.V. to escape that feeling, but as I was watching one of my new favorite shows tonight I wanted to throw up. I should be in bed because I have to get up at 5 to make it to work by 8:30. I always run after the image of something that doesnt exist. I know that it doesnt exist, and I wish that the universe would let me believe that. What am I talking about? Little reminders every where I go. There's a song...I heard it twice today, once just the instrumental version on a public access show as I was flipping through the channels and the remote fell out of my hands. Which song? "It had to be you". Yeah I know, sappy, pathetic and stupid and of no significance really, but at the same time, its everything.

I dont know

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 04:33:00 GMT

It seems like this is the best place at the moment. I'm really trying to do everything I can. Perhaps I need to stay away from computers, and journals. I need to pick up my phone more often too. I'm sorry for being a bum this week, its been kind of tough. I'm not ignoring you guys, i'm just not in a good mood and I dont want to dump all my crap onto anyone. My ankle kills but its kind of a distraction and an excuse. I've got Chris' wedding to go to on Friday and I'm so nervous. I dont know why exactly. I'll be staying away from the booze though, because 1) i'm driving, 2)I want to remember it all, 3) I dont want do anything stupid.

Myspace knows?

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 00:35:26 GMT

And here is my myspace horoscope for the day:

As Venus leaves your sign today, you may feel as if you have lost a friend. But the Goddess of Love has just gone off to visit the other signs of the zodiac and she will report back to you as she travels around the sky. For the next several weeks, Venus will be asking you to look at your values, especially about love and money. The more you examine what's important to you, the easier it will be for you to set your goals.

Su reminded me of Damien Rice and so I listened to this song which I heard a while ago. I still love it.

"Volcano"

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
What I give to you
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 00:35:30 GMT

Dont read this if you dont want your good mood to end. I'm having second thoughts about some stuff. There are a few songs that make me crazy and I insist on listening to them over and over again. It seems masochistic, but sort of soothing at the same time, because its better than nothing. Myspace seems so loud compared to this. I was talking to a friend and he seemed concerned about everything. I felt selfish afterwards, since he's got a lot of crap in his life too, but he forgot all about it to hear me out. Its so strange when things change. There was a time when I used to have so much to say and now there's nothing, well more like the same thing that doesn't go away. There is a girl I know who is starving herself to fit into her wedding dress. I dont know what to do. I feel like I can't give her advice, because I dont know what to say. I wish she'd realize she's pretty. Talking to her makes me feel like there is no happiness anywhere in the world. Even when you get who you want, you find flaws with something. *sigh* Maybe it just fall. Maybe I'm this way because everything is dying or has already died. I cant help but stand over the carcass and poke at it, hoping it'll come back to life. I should take advice, shouldn't I? I should stop being stupid.

who?

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 16:33:33 GMT

Who left the last comment??? I must know?? Own up to it now!

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:04:53 GMT

Why don't things go the way we want them to? I cant describe it except a few lines from this song seem fitting "fooled me with the tears in your eyes, covered me with kisses and lies". yeah I need to snap out of it, but I cant. Distractions only work so well. What? No you're not supposed to be reading this in the first place. Yes you. Should I even leave this entry public? I'm gonna just because I should be able to dammit!

been a while

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 22:38:50 GMT

A good friend reminded me that I've neglected my livejournal account for a while now. So I'm making an entry. Lots of stuff has happened, and I cant even begin to explain any of it. After a month of wallowing in pity, i'm getting up and moving on, sort of. I still think and hope in the end we'll get what we wanted. He's just a little confused right now. I dont even know if i want what I wanted, and so i'm confused also. Hopefully I'll get a good perspective on it in the next few months. Month one felt like crap.

mmhmmm

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 19:38:55 GMT

So I’ve survived today so far. I had a paper and an exam today and I woke up at 3:30 A.M to write my paper and study. I just had the exam and I think it went fairly well. Yesterday I finally went to GNC and picked up my giant jar of 100% whey Protein. The man selling it to me asked me all sorts of questions like what my name was, whether I was Indian or Pakistani, whether I had seen him somewhere before. If he weren’t old, I’d think that he was hitting on me…then again there are old perv bags out there. Finally as I was grabbing my receipt he said “yeah, this will give you energy and you will lose lots of weight”. I didn’t know whether to be offended or glad that he was being helpful. I think I should’ve punched him in the baby maker, but I was soaked and tired and so I went and sat on the Metra. Speaking of the Metra, I’ve decided that I hate almost everyone who rides it. People are such douche bags. 40 year old women talking about how they don’t touch ice cream, guys blowing their noses for the entire ride like they haven’t blown their nose ever, it’s so annoying! Even when I decide to stand it’s a pain in the ass with everyone from oak park being pushy and shovy. UGH! I think next time I’m just going to grab the next biotch who makes physical contact with me and just break his or her neck. Unless they’re old…or a baby. And that’s really all I have to update. I see Rene more than I see anyone else because I’m pretty much living at the work out center! Oh and I also kind of made friends with the crazy girl who I hated at the beginning because it thought she was crazy. Turns out she was only on medication for her nervous breakdown. Yeah, I feel like an asshole.

eewww

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 15:58:12 GMT

So every time school starts, I give the title of “stupid bitch of semester” to one dense female or male. Since I don’t have bitchface in any of my classes this semester, I thought this position would be empty for quite some time. I rejoiced as I got out of my first class yesterday and wasn’t annoyed at all. Then four hours later I hesitantly made my way to R.G’s hellish lecture. When I went in, I found one kid from H-Dawg’s class which made me pretty happy, because I told him all about what a bitch this class is going to be. Minutes went by and most of the class seemed peaceful until SHE came in. I don’t know her name, but within the first few minutes of opening her mouth I found out too much about her like: she went to Evanston High School (she made sure to add that John Cusack also attended the same school), That her old T.A. had broken Liz Phair’s nose, and she didn’t know why he didn’t tell the full story, that she was “working on something” that happened in 1938, and the first thing she asked the prof was “do you know what happened in 1938?” Now I’m not a psychic or a great scholar, but I do know that something must’ve happened in 1938. There were probably births and deaths and strikes and things built and floods and storms, and things published. Never did she narrow down what she wanted to know about 1938 and the Prof. seemed utterly stumped and just shrugged. As much as I hate the professor for that Class, I sort of felt bad for her, but those feelings went away as she started lecturing within the first 10 minutes of class. Yes that class makes me want to slit my wrists hoping that the blood will hit R.G. in the eyes and she will be blinded and never teach another class again. OH and before that happens my blood my must get as toxic as Sigourney Weavers in Alien: Resurrection! So far School feels shitty with out Christopher. I get to see Maria today in Comparative Black Literature so I’m hoping that class will be more fun than it sounds. Did I mention I fucked up my ankle? Because I fucked up my ankle and every time I walk I feel like the devil is stabbing my entire lower leg and feet when I walk.

Love

Sarika

wishing for a time machine...

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 04:19:22 GMT

I hate things! And I miss Chris! I hope he's doing well and the boys are fine. I really want to call him but i'm scared that i'll make him jump after his phone and then...yeah...My class was cancelled ...I found out too late and didn't sleep in when i could've. It probably has to do with Karma or something. Not the missing class thing particularly but just how things are going. But when have i done something really bad?? I cant really remember...though there was that one time in 4th grade when i beat the crap out of the deaf/mute kid for pushing my little sister in park...Yeah thats probably it. Those kids should come with a Karma warning. Had i known I'd feel this shitty years later, i probably wouldn't have made him bleed and then told his mother about how he had shoved my little 4 year old sister down and made her cry, and then she wouldnt have proceeded to beat him some more...; I should've just called him a bitch and walked away...yeah.

I'll kick you in the...yeah...

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 15:48:11 GMT

So I actually have more will power than I originally thought. I woke up at 6 and got about an hour of working out done, which was quite a task, since I didn’t really get enough sleep. Surprisingly I’m feeling grood you know great and good. Gooo teen girl squad. Unfortunately my pecs, rhomboids, deltoids, obliques and quads are all bulging out of the clothing I’m wearing, and all the girls are scared and all the boys are crying. Yeah, that’s what you have to deal with when you’re fit as a fiddle. Now I feel the urge to sing the charmin ultra song. (hey little fellow gotta change your touch what you thought was enough might be too much…yes disturbing indeed).

Ok back to earth again, I have my meeting with stupid Sharon today. I have a feeling that if she says anything bad about Linda I might just hit her in the face shattering her jaw on impact!(I’m no Chuck Norris, but I’ve seen Walker, Texas Ranger a few times on Conan). The thing is that I’m sick of this place and I want to graduate. The fact that Chris and G.C. get to graduate a semester before Maria and I really sucks because we’ll be lonely. But in other news, Katie found me on Myspace and that makes me really happy! Now I feel like I’ll have regular updates on her life, though I guess I’m kind of an idiot and could just call her frequently.

Su came to class with me yesterday and we discovered a new insult its called “horlicks” I’ll explain if you ask, but really its quite innocent. Check it out at:

http://www.horlicks.co.uk

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 01:11:33 GMT

so I've lost my phone...I dont know how to get in touch with anyone because i'm an idiot and i didn't write down your numbers anywhere else. I dont really know what to do...friday I lost it somewhere between English class and the CCC. The last time I checked the lost and found in the CCC no one had found it yet. I apologize if you've been calling and I haven't been answering, because i really cant. I waited around in the CCC for people to show up after my class was over and flipped out at some point after that when i realized i had no phone...its like losing a body part or something. I guess just email me or something if you need to get in touch...its the best way really. I'm gonna give the lost and found another try monday...see if it turns up.
love
Grumpy

crap

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 15:03:52 GMT

I feel like crap...I look like crap, I"m coming down with a case of something crappy, I know it. This morning i didnt want to leave my bed. I dont have a goddmaned costume yet. I"m pretty sure i'm dying. I worked out over the weekend and my shoulders and arms were killing me and so I told my sister to give me a back rub...I should've known better. Ms. Giant Tennis arm kneaded into the back of my shoulder too hard and now things hurt. whats worse is that it feels like cancer...

Bitchface keeps wanting to tag along and i really dont have the energy to deal with it. I wish i could crawl into a hole filled with lava and die...At least I'd be warm. I dont want to dress up like a whore on Halloween...this year I dont want to dress up at all. Yes I know this is old lady like, but I just feel like staying home and not doing anything all. I know I was the one to make plans, but I just feel like shit. You guys should just go out and dance the night away without me. Everything is making me nauseous. I just might die.
Love
Sarika

Chowdah!

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 15:15:44 GMT

I’m updating because I have an hour to kill before class. I’ve had such weird mood swingy things lately. Yesterday was good and then bad, and today is good again. Even though I did not want to see beefcake yesterday I saw him twice. Once after Christopher’s class and then after I ran into Maria at the CCC. The second time I actually had to talk to him, because it would’ve been way too awkward if I didn’t. He seemed ok, like he didn’t sleep with bitchface chowder crotch the night before, but you never really know these things. Yes Chris came up with that one, and I think its brilliant! I picked the perfect day to ditch class, because it was canceled yesterday. Tomorrow I have a paper due and I don’t wanna do it. I’m thinking about Calling K.A so I can hang out with her next week. It might be too weird though. I don’t think it will be but it might be for her. Jenson Ackles is still rocking my pants! Life is ok because I know some pretty awesome people. Other than that, not much to say. This is probably boring wait I have to mention something…

POOP
Ok that feels better!

I hope you die

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 19:42:23 GMT

I'm in the computer lab right now...I dont even know what i'm doing here but i can't seem to drag my ass home after today. Today blew major goat testicles...I hate girls... I hate them. Except for a handful that i want to keep alive, i want them all to burn in the fiery pits of hades. I dont know why i try...I try and get my hopes up only to be rewarded by shit. Oh and to make things worse, some random ugly guy hit on me today ...
He: Damn you're cute
Me: UGH...
He:What nationality are you?
Me: UGH.......
And then i ran into some woman's ass. It was like one thing on top of another. I went to class today thinking it'd be good. I avoided all of the Jenson Ackles stuff that i usually avoid when i hope for things to go well, but noooooooo. You know what he does, he asks her whether he can come over to her room and bring booze so that they can watch the fucking movie and get blasted. I hope her boyfriend realizes that someone else has been visiting the giant crater she calls a vagina...Then as i leave class all out of it, she has the nerve to call me and ask me if i'm mad at her. what the hell. Why are people so fucking idiotic? Maybe i'm just delusional...but i thought i was a better person than her. I was going to do things the right way and everything. Its what i get for trying to be good. Maybe Jenson Ackles will run into my ass and then say i'm cute and then we'll get married. If you dont know who he is by now, just know that he's probably the love of my life, after Evan Farmer, but we'll never meet. And on that depressing note...i'm gonna start my journey home and hopefully get hit by a truck in the process. (If that really happens, just know i wasn't trying to committ suicide...sue that truck driving fucker for everything he's worth!)

flying over the fucking cuckoo's nest

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 22:59:22 GMT

Dilemma! Psycho chick wants me to spend the night at her place on saturday so she can invite Erik too. I think she wants me there so she can 1)use me as an excuse to invite him, 2)Try to have sex with me if he doesn't show, 3) try to have sex with the both of us. Either way people...this situation is not looking good. If i dont go and he goes...then thats bad. I have to defend territory right? Then i dont want to get drunk and stupid because god knows how many drunken stupid situations i've gotten myself into...I just dont want it to happen again. There will be drinking involved because thats what she wants to do after we watch the movie for class. Hints and suggestions are welcome! NO REALLY I DONT WANT ANY TYPE OF SEX IF SHE IS INVOLVED! Things would be so much better if she weren't involved. *sigh* kill her for me?

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 14:29:16 GMT

so i went to go see Serenity Friday night with my Sister. She didn't like too much because according to her she's not a "Sci-fi" person. I liked it though. Yeah. Not much to report other than prepartions for pulling beefcake over today. Wish me luck y'all. You know he's the perfect accesory to my...nevermind...
Love,
Me

OH RALPH MACCIO!

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 14:39:33 GMT

So ok i had a really dirty dream about Ralph Maccio...It involved aliens and spaceships and sex. I cant go into details but rest assured, i was disturbed. I think i'll go to H-dawg's class now.

bing

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 15:26:36 GMT

Nothing to report, except, things are flowing along and i have a paper due tonight. I have to remember to do it or i will fail!!!! I think I should write that on my hand right now. Other than that, i'm busy busy busy. Crazy girl loves me and I think she's growing on me so i will no longer call her "crazy". she invited me to soundbar where i've never been before...should be interesting , free booze always is.

Ultimate Firsbee

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:47:31 GMT

so I did something today that i never thought i would do. I played frisbee today, right on campus behind douglas hall...yes yes, i was one of those kids. But it was actually really cool. Maria's brother Dan is awesome and he shared his Mango with me. Now sharing food, especially something like a mango puts you right into my "friends" category. He also told me to wipe my messy hands in his spare shirt, which i thought was super cool. Then i met his friend Phil and he was all "lets play frisbee" so we did. And that was my day. I went home and chopped off my nails because they were busted and oh and i also talked to Su on the phone. I did my paper, worked out and went to bed at 10 like the old lady that i am. No time for being depressed, no time for anything else.

Mood Swings

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 23:17:51 GMT

so...Yesterday I was so excited to go to class, because my story was due and i had finished it ahead of time and everything. I get there and the prof. tells us the class is cancelled; he collects the stories and then i leave sulking. I walked around, called Alex and then almost went to the inner circle because i was so very alone. Then i spotted a lonely tree and went and sat under it listening to Aqualung for an hour or so watching all the happy people pass by. A dirty, disease-ridden pigeon landed at my feet and i watched it for a while; it was quite possibly the saddest thing i had seen all week. Then it was time to hang out with Maria and Chris. They always cheer me up but sometimes I think I bring them down, though i try very hard not to. I hung out with them till 1:45ish and then sat at the bus-stop for half an hour, unable to drag my ass to the metra-station on feet. I went home worked out, watched some t.v. and then went to bed.

Today was a much better day, except I forgot my phone and had no idea when to meet anyone or how to get in contact with them. That thing runs my life sometimes. I met Chris and Jen at the Library and we talked about dead guy on train tracks. We headed to the CCC where we ran into Dan, Maria's brother and then while i was getting my shitty-power bar he disappered. So we hung out and talked about online creeps until Maria showed up and then we talked about Chris'hot ankles. Then we all went to class, where i sat with weirdo-girl again. She is also in my CRJ, but seems to know the beefcake i'm always eyeing. I think she's starting to like me and she laughs at everything i say and keeps telling me i'm "so cute"...I dont know what that means really, but i'll figure it out! I dont think she's as much of loon as i thought she was at the beginning. she might just be ok, minus the sex questions. So yeah, Beefcake; He fell asleep in class today, supporting his head on his buff arms (le sigh). And that was my day. Rainy weather,good friends, Hot Guy, buff arms, no mood swings, semi colons! what more could a girl ask for?

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 15:27:51 GMT

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE????

I hate men who try to compliment a chick's shitty talent just to get into their pants. I know this may seem stupid, but trust me, been there seen that and now that i've written it down, i'm over it. I hate how the stupid bitch in my class told me "shush" and now she wants to be my friend,because i'm not a sterotype and she thinks i'm cute???? WTF right? and i hate not being able to react to it in a semi-cold way. I wish i could be like "listen you whore, dont talk to me ever again, because you reek of bullshit!" but I find myself unable to say that to her. Why? I dont know why. I was once very rude to Crystal Coleman(stupid whore in highschool), and she cried. She cried right there in the cafeteria, didn't get up and bitch me out, didn't try to beat the crap out of me, she just sobbed. I guess i'm scared of that reaction from people. Even though you want so much to kill them, if they just cried and said sorry, you know you'd forgive them and feel bad. *sigh* I hate how this lab smells like old cat pee pee and i hate how my hair looks like shit today. I hate how the beefcake in my class is so dumb, the only things he ever says are "I dunno" or "Ugh". Today is just an odd day.

But I like my new Aqualung CD. It's so pretty. I like Chris and Maria also and the fact that they are not fake and stupid. I like that it's Tuesday and I only have one class. I like this weather, i do hope it rains. And i like that this rant is over.

blah friday

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 14:38:34 GMT

I watched the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yesterday and it left me in such a mood. I don't know what kind of a mood, but such a mood! A good night's sleep didn't do much to shake it so i'm still feeling weird. While working out this morning i was watching Vh1 or Mtv i cant really remember, but I was hoping they'd show the Shakira video in which she gets covered in black paint and shakes her ass and stuff, but they didn't. Though i was dissapointed at first i saw the Aqualung video for "Brighter than Sunshine" and that left me in a weird mood. The song is still stuck in my head and i think i'll go out and buy the CD, though i'll have to consult Mr. Christopher first. If you're reading this Chris, which i know you are, get on the blogging train and write things about Amy and Kristin and dohamed. Yesterday i found out that i'm not a genetic freak because my friend Maria told me a great story of golf-ball proportions. I can't really tell it in here because you have to be as gross as the snack-happy club(not formal name yet) to be able to discuss it. You know, I was thinking about what Maria said the other day, about how its gonna be tough to assimilate others into the group for writing purposes, because they're always going to feel so left out. I was thinking about how hard it is to meet cool people lately, and though rare if it happens, then and then only can we add a fourth member. I dont think it's likely to happen in this lifetime though. And no i'm not being pretentious!

So its friday, I totally want to ditch H-dawg's class, but i can't. I totally want to ditch my philosophy discussion too, but the dude takes attendence. The only class i want to go to is my CRJ discussion because of the beefcake in class. I think one more week and i'll have a full blown crush on him. I don't think he's my type but he's cute and i'll leave it at that.

I wanted to do something fun today but everyone is either working or going somewhere or being a hermit, so i'm gonna go home early and do something in the burbs. Free movies are always nice but you can only do that so many times before you get bored. I think i'm starting to bore people now so i'm just gonna stop typing.
peace out yo!